"Love is Not Disposable"

Lately I have been taking transit a whole lot because of school, but sometimes I bring it upon myself because I want to go downtown and I am probably going to die driving down there myself. But while transit is sometimes incredibly annoying, one of the more interesting parts of it is people-watching and listening. I can hear my mom saying "you mean eavesdropping?" as she reads this, but let me be clear: as long as you don't react, you're fine. Just take it all in like a sponge but keep your face neutral, regardless of how you feel.

But let's be really honest: sometimes people are not discreet about their dealings and wheelings on transit. Case to point: my transit ride back into Surrey on Monday.

As I stepped onto the Skytrain on Monday afternoon I could already sense something different. But nothing looked out of the ordinary so I just shrugged it off and took a seat. And that was when I realized what was wrong.

From where I was sitting I was facing a young couple who didn't look very couple-y anymore. In fact, I think they were breaking up. I say that because I saw tears and a guy and a girl looking out at opposite sides. They had their backs turned and no words were said. The train began to move.

The whirring of the train picking up momentum must have given the guy the courage to say something, but being that I didn't want to overly eavesdrop or seem too interested I couldn't hear what he said to her. Clearly whatever he did say really made her upset, because she whirled around and said incredibly loudly, "I was your girlfriend. We were in love and you went behind my back. Our love isn't disposable."

And then silence for the rest of the ride until I made it to Columbia. The couple (ex-couple?) stayed on, so I have no idea what happened to them. Hopefully they were able to work something out.

I can only speculate that they were once a couple and then he unfortunately did something that she probably constitutes as cheating.

That's it. That's all I got.

The power in those 4 words hit me. At first I thought, obviously! You don't just throw love away! You work through your problems. You talk it out with your significant other. You have to try your best to work through and push through.

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Though I haven't been in a relationship for a while, I can somewhat remember the feelings as you go through it.

At the beginning everything is new and exciting and you want to do everything together. Separation sucks, even if it's just for a couple hours. I believe wiser adults have called it the "honeymoon phase".

But it's what comes after that that truly counts. Sure, the first month and a bit will probably be the most fun that you ever have with this person. But once you get to that point where it seems like there is no more fun left to be had, then what do you do? You begin to look commitment in the face: is this really something that you want? Do you really see yourself with this person? Do you really love this person?

Hell, do you even know this person?

It seems like a dumb question to ask, considering that you spent the past month and a half texting them every day, every waking hour of the day, pulling an The Fault in our Stars-esque telephone scene and going out on as many dates as possible.

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After the honeymoon phase, the blinders come off and you are face to face with this person that you are dating. You begin to see the flaws that he or she may have, little quirks that you didn't know were there before and some things even begin to bother you. For example, it was only after the honeymoon phase that I realized that the guy that I was with said "like" way more than I did. So, like, it would, like, totally, like, interject into, like, his, like, sentences like this. It became so distracting, and the more that I heard it, the more I began to resent it and him.

Now this is where my problem, and I'm sure many other people's, problems begin. At this point, the classic break up line of "you changed" can always be pulled out. I know because it was once used against me. But the thing is that in a relationship, both people change after the honeymoon phase, not just one. We don't think of ourselves as changing because we think we know ourselves really well. But it isn't until we are on the outside looking at ourselves that we realize that we did indeed change.

My problem growing up was that I couldn't accept this change. The dynamics in the relationship suddenly shifted and it was almost as if I was dating someone completely different. For all I know, my boyfriend(s) at the time probably felt the same way about me. So what did I do? Instead of facing the commitment and moving forward with a guy, I ran in the opposite direction. My love became disposable.

And this was how it went for me for most of my high school life. I stayed with a guy until I started to feel a slight change, and then that was it, sayonara my friend.

In retrospect, I realize now that I gave up some pretty incredible guys that were willingly ready to put up with me. And I gave them up because of some really minor things.

If we threw away all of our hobbies because they suddenly changed and got too hard, none of us would be good at anything - we would just be mediocre at a lot of things.

In the same way, our relationships will reach difficult points. I'm learning now that it's not always a bed of roses and that thorns exist. But running from our problems and not being serious about our relationships turns love into something that can be disposable and not valued. Similarly, we won't have life giving relationships, just a lot of mediocrity and what-if's.

I'm not saying that dating other people is wrong. It's the only way that you will truly see if that person is a fit for you. But if you are starting to see potential in this person, take time in developing a relationship where you both learn  about each other and from each other. Having a solid foundation that is built on trust, respect and knowledge will help you to withstand the test of time. You will bring truth to your relationship and be a guiding light for others.

(One of my favourite movies!! - giphy.com)

 In closing, the four words that the girl said above to her boyfriend hit home for me, in part because of everything that I just listed but also because it was used, in an opposite meaning, against me. I was with a guy who, when he broke up with me, said to me that,

        I don't think I can date you because you changed. I wanna throw this love away because of that change. I wanna to start over with someone new.                              - the ex

Yeah, okay. And yes, he too was the one that said to me "you changed".

Not only does this sound like a poorly written, teenage angst filled breakup ballad, but the truth is this guy, held a mirror up to me and showed me exactly everything that I had done up until that point. So in many ways, I guess I deserved it.

So thanks for breaking up with me and showing me what love shouldn't be.

Love shouldn't be disposable.

Until next time,

x R

                     

Rachel Reacts: Family Reunions (And Other Things)

Hey everyone! It's been a while since I've done this tag, in part because of midterms taking over my life and focus. But I'm back, and I hope to do this more often instead of weeks and weeks in between, so let's role:

1/ ... Family Reunions

Yup, we're cool.

I love family reunions, especially because most of my family is over in Hong Kong and Singapore. It's not every day that I get to connect with my extended family unless it is over phone, text, Facebook or Skype. So the time I get to spend with them is super valuable, and luckily we were able to have a massive family reunion this past summer in Vancouver and Whistler. 

But what if there was a law banning you from seeing your family? This is what is happening in the Koreas, which are technically - and I did not know this - still at war., due to the fact that the Korean War ended on an armistice and not a Peace Agreement. Last week, many families from South Korea traveled to North Korea to have a visit with family members who were living there. After the Korean war, people that lived in North Korea were forbidden to leave to South Korea and also have no contact with their loved ones. These reunions have been happening on and off since 1988, depending on the relations between the two countries. The last one happened in February 2014.

And how are the families selected? As it turns out, South Koreans have to enter into a lottery to be selected, taking into consideration health and age, while North Koreans are selected on their loyalty to the government. Many of these people have not seen their family in decades, and they bring with them gifts such as money, toiletries, clothing and food. Reading about this made me incredibly sad at how families could be divided like this because of war and turmoil. Some will never get the opportunity to see their families again, and those reunited cannot bring loved ones back with them. In our society we take family for granted, but seeing what these Koreans go through, we have nothing to complain about. 

2/ ... Trudeau and #elxn42

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This React piece would not be complete without taking about our new Prime Minister to be, Justin Trudeau. I am not surprised by this outcome at all, and frankly I would have been even more surprised if Harper was re-elected. But this shows how great the youth vote was able to swing the results. The number of people voting in this election rose significantly, with many once Conservative ridings becoming Liberal. Indeed, the "red wave" swept into Western Canada from the Atlantic. But a couple things stood out to me. One is the significance at the fact that the Atlantic Canada results were released so early, as in, way before the polls were even closed to closing in BC. I don't know if that had any impact on the voting out here. It could be that if the results were held until our polls closed that even more people would have come out to vote. Just a thought.

But in terms of Trudeau, I am interested to see if he will hold up his end of the promises on issues such as the fight against ISIS and pulling out Canadian troops, taxing the wealthier members of society, the pipeline, and investing in much needed infrastructure. And of course, the flip side, is how he and his government will be able to pay off the deficit that he is planning to run from the beginning.

Other than that, he does have great hair and, he spent the morning after the election greeting people in a Montreal subway station!

3/ ... Hate Crime

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This past Thursday Sweden faced a tragedy that can only be described as a violent act against a certain race. A 21 year old walked through a school and violently stabbed those who he identified as having dark skin. He killed a teacher and a student and injured several others before being shot by police. This school in particular is known for having foreign born students. This happens in the light of an explosion immigrants coming into Europe to escape war torn areas in the Middle East. 

The scary thing is that racism and hate crimes are not just happening in other parts of the world, but here in Canada as well. In my education class we spent some time discussing Aboriginal culture and education, and I was surprised to find that there is still a major prejudice against Aboriginal students in our school systems, not just between students but also from teachers. It's sad that we still shame other groups that are not like us and that violence ensues because of difference. This doesn't bring us forward; it only pushes us back.

4/ ... Vice President Biden

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On Wednesday Vice President Joe Biden announced that he will not be running as a Democratic candidate in the American election slated to happen one year from now, citing his son's death as one of the key reasons. This comes after an extra podium was set up for him during the Democratic candidates debate, in case he decided to run as well. I always liked Biden and how happy he always is. He's been in American politics for a very long time, so I feel that it probably is for the best that he doesn't run just because of age. He is, after all, 72 years old. But then again, front runner and former Secretary of State Hilary Clinton is 67 years old and other front runner Bernie Sanders is 74. I guess if you really want something bad enough, you can go after it at any age. Does this mark the end of VP Biden's time in politics? I guess we'll find out soon enough.

5/ ... Midterms

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No comment. Just kidding.

All I have to say is that midterms come at the blink of an eye. You think you're just getting started and just getting settled in and all of a sudden week 7 shows up and you are studying into the early morning and drinking a lot of coffee. It's a fun time. So for anyone who is going into university in the coming years or is still unsure of how this process works, be on guard at all times. Time is just an illusion, and we really don't have that much time. And the same goes for assignments and final exams: you think that after you do your midterm you have a lot of time to finish your paper and study for your midterm. But judging by how quickly the first half of the semester goes, the same will happen here. 

I know this because I made that mistake - learn from my shortcomings! Manage your time well!

That's all from me! Hope to do this more often than not. Also, I've done a lot of work with my site so please check that out, and if you're always hungry like I am, I would be super grateful if you check out my food blog! It's slowed down a bit because of school, but I hope to keep it up as much as possible.

Until next time,

x R

Bieber and His Philosophical Song

I never thought that a Justin Bieber song would get me thinking so deeply. Well played, Bieber.

If you haven't heard already, Bieber's latest song "What Do You Mean" literally calls out every single indecisive person, which is almost everyone at some point.

Though I am not a Bieber fan, I must admit that the song is not only catchy and infectious but it also draws an interesting point. What does he mean with this song? I can imagine him saying this to his current girl du jour, who is probably an indecisive person as well. 

As humans we have this amazing power to manipulate our words to the point where there is a massive disconnect between what we say and how we say it, or how we portray it. I am only starting to realize how eerily close this sounds to my mom, but I suppose there is a lot of validity to it.

The truth is, it's not just a girl thing or just a guy thing. We are all indecisive and manipulative creatures. We don't really know what we want or what we mean. When I first heard this song, I got really defensive and offended against his lyrics: "What do you mean / when you nod your head yes, but you're telling me no". I kept telling myself that I don't do that. To quote James 5:12, "Let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no', 'no'". Such simple words really shouldn't be manipulated, but the more I thought about it, I began to crumple at the fact that my 'yes' wasn't truly a 'yes'.

I spent a lot of time in immature relationships where I was incredibly immature and indecisive. I craved the attention and the "love" that a boyfriend could offer me, but I also wanted space and independence. At the beginning of relationships, when everything is so young and new, all I wanted to do was to spend every waking moment with my boyfriend. As the relationship progressed I began to feel choked and craved space. But when I felt my importance in his life begin to fade, I would start to act out and start pulling these one liners that Bieber is complaining about in his song: "You want me to stay, but you're telling me to go." Looking back on my experiences now, I was pretty much a nightmare. I wanted these boys to be mine, but I wanted them to make sure that they knew that I had a life. At the same time, they couldn't have a life. And if I couldn't have them, no one could.

I SHAKE MY HEAD at my young and naive thinking. And unfortunately, this phenomenon of opposite meaning is growing and growing.

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The growing use of social media and communication through screens has perpetuated bit of a problem on our hands, literally. It is so difficult to detect sarcasm or "true meanings" when you are texting, and yet so many people still choose to communicate mostly through text. I am totally guilty of this, and I don't think that my habits will ever change. But at the same time, I value the realness that face to face conversation brings us.

I began my studies in communications this year at school, and I have to say that it is quite fascinating to learn about how we communicate. The reason that oral culture, or speaking face to face, is regarded as "more real" is purely out of the fact that we can learn so much more from what the other person is saying. When you see the person, you can really hear their intonation: the way their voice goes up or down, added emphasis on certain words or phrases. You can also watch their body language, which tells us so much more than the words they say. You can see their facial expression change as the words are said and more words are heard. Obviously none of this is really possible when you are texting. You can't here the inflection in their voice or see their fists clench up or eyes draw downwards. We are constantly left guessing and interpreting texts. What do they mean? Are they joking, or are they actually serious?

This is why there is such a great need for oral culture to exist. Can you imagine if wedding vows were done via text message? The thought of it sounds absurd - but yet, it seems so possible. Certain institutions, like that of marriage, still remain as something that requires face to face communication to show emotion and sincerity. The same goes with apologies, or breaking up with someone. I guess that's why I get so upset when people apologize over a text message, or break up with someone via a Facebook message. Where is the sincerity? You just typed two words and sent them into the universe. It is so easy, almost too easy, to escape from your responsibility. I'm not saying that we shame people when they apologize in person. Apologizing in person and breaking up in person is something very, very difficult to do - I've been there both times. At the same time, I have been apologized to and broken up with over text messages, and they both hurt immensely. There is no closure or realness to it. When you do these things over text, even something as simple as "I'm sorry" or "it's over" can be left to interpretation - especially when your emotions are running high and your mind is running at a million miles a minute.

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All of these seems so simple, and yet we constantly see fights happening over miscommunication and misunderstandings. We need to make sure that we know exactly what we mean before we say (or post.. or text) anything. In a world where our minds are so hyperactive and is constantly being bombarded with information, we have become almost "philosophical" in a way that constantly over think everything. 

It's going to be difficult for me to dial back my over thinking mind and relying less on text conversations, but I hope that we all wake up and find a happy medium, somehow.

So thank you Justin Bieber, for spurring these thoughts inside of me. Keep having face to face conversations - they were the original way to socialize!

PS - I promise to have a Rachel Reacts up soon!! Thanks for bearing with me!

Until next time,

x R