Freshman -15

[So this is devoid of the style that I usually write in, forgive me.]

I guess I just wanted to use this post as a 100% blog style blog post, just as reflection and what not. Life has been interesting, and to the dismay of many of my fellow grads I have two days off a week this term with minimal commute time. It is an understatement to say that I am blessed, because I really do appreciate all the extra downtime and time spent doing work or other things that I enjoy doing, like writing. I suddenly had the inspiration to write yet another novel manuscript so we'll see how well that goes down..

(http://www.quickmeme.com/Freshman-15)

I made many new friends, but one I have particularly bonded over the most is this guy in his second year. We both share an incredible love for food (we spent two hours sharing favourite restaurants and sharing places that we wanted to go) as well as the fact that we are both after the same career path in journalism. The biggest bond that we have is this lack of balance that we have in our lives, which frankly, is not a good thing.

I refer back to a previous post way back when about body image and "perfection". It has always been a struggle of mine to accept my body and how it looks. This makes me seem very ungrateful, since m my body is fully functioning with no physical problems. I have something ideal, yet I am constantly comparing to what others have and go on about what I do not have. I do admit, that this ungratefulness leads to my inability to be content with myself. This is a struggle that I face constantly.

One of my biggest fears in university was Freshman 15, or gaining 15+ pounds because of poor eating habits as a result of poor time management. However, my friend and I have both realized that we are going backwards instead of forwards, and our Freshman 15 is diminishing. He told me that his breakfast was a package of M&M's. He then 'balanced' that out with a caramel macchiato and poutine, which he could barely finish. On top of that, his sleeping schedule is about 5 hours a night because of work and homework.

Now I am a lot luckier here. My mom makes sure that I eat, and not eating is not an option. However, with my classes being at the times that they are, I have been going weeks without eating properly at the right times and eating all wrong at all the wrong times. There are only a few days in the week when all my meals are regular, which scares me. Getting into a cycle of irregularity is the last thing I want.

My friend and I have struck a deal, and we are trying to eat normally. Something that was once so easy must be re-learned, and there is no room to say that it is difficult. In order for us to function properly, this 'eating' thing is vital. We are going to start eating normally as well as trying our best to eat healthier and work out. 

Value the food you eat and the regularity of it. Value your body and what it can do. Most importantly, value life and how much you can achieve throughout your life, and spill ink while you do.

Thanks for bearing with me. Promise to write soon!

x R

Officially A Loser

OKAY (That is what my International Studies prof says all the time, in that precise manner).

One thing's for sure (and my mom can attest to this too), I hate eating lunch, or any meal for that matter, by myself. And by myself, I mean alone in public places. I feel that eating is a social thing, and though one might argue that it makes everyone eat slower because people are trying to talk instead of eat, I think most people agree that eating with friends is more fun than eating alone.

Now, I think that I do not just hate eating alone but I also fear it. There is apparently a term known as "solomangarephobia" that precisely describes my fear - the fear of eating solo.

So why do I fear eating alone?

Many times when I go out with family or friends for a meal, I enjoy the company that they provide for me. It gives me a sense of security and does not make me feel awkward while I'm eating. From time to time I glance around at the array of people in the restaurant, and 9 times out of 10, there will always be solo dinners.

I am curious as to what is going through their minds while they eat by themselves. I do not pity them per se, but I do wonder how they feel about eating alone. I almost feel awkward for them. I feel that same awkwardness when I am asked to go and eat by myself.

As I am learning in university, there is very little time to eat. Sometimes, an older and wiser friend told me, you have to go eat by yourself.

What?

Maybe this is because I am such a social being that I have this notorious fear that will not let go of me. 

This fear was also prevalent in high school too. Once everyone was able to drive out of school to eat lunch, I would come out of meeting after meeting with the threat of eating alone. The feeling was something incomprehensible, yet, it seemed so simple. I just did not want to eat by myself.

But yesterday I was forced to do that. After exploring SFU Vancouver for the first time, I was hungry for lunch. The thing was, I was in the middle of downtown with no friends. I had nothing with me but my bag and a craving for Japadog.

So I went, in search of the Japadog. And then I went, in search of a place to eat, alone.

I was petrified of this experience - sitting out in public, alone. It almost seemed like high school all over again, with office workers and tourists alike passing by and thinking that I was a loser, eating all alone. To make thing worse, a couple tourists had asked me to take their picture. Being a polite Canadian I agreed and helped them get a few shots. When it was all over, the asked me, "Dear, why are you eating lunch all by yourself?"

Officially a loser.

I had nothing to hide but the truth. "I'm down here by myself today."

The tourists nodded knowingly. One of the elderly ladies spoke. "It's good to take some time for yourself though. Get away from all the yapping mouths", she said, making a talking motion with her hands behind her husband. We laughed together and I wished them a good day.

In time afterwards, I realized that she was right. I did take that afternoon for myself.

I very rarely go to downtown, and I go even more rarely by myself. But on Friday, with the sun shining down through a perfectly cloudless and brilliant blue sky, I took in everything around me. I became invisible, like a piece of architecture. I just observed everything around me, took in the smells and the sights and looked ahead, instead of behind.

Sitting by the water, I looked at the ripples of the water. I watched seagulls fly to meet others on rocks. I looked at my reflection in the water. And as I sat and listened, I began to regain sight on a person that I had lost while I was so busy trying to conform to the social standards of society - me.

When you are by yourself, you see the world differently. In many ways, you become vulnerable. But this vulnerability allows you to look introspectively into yourself. The quietude allows you to breathe and not be choked out by the voices around you.

So maybe, in the end, I became a winner.

Here are some of the shots I took from yesterday:

And of course, to fulfill my obsession with panoramas:

So take time for yourself! Be a tourist in your own city, fulfill your cravings and sit in the quietude of yourself. Never be afraid to eat by yourself (as I will try to be now!) and spill more ink while you do.

x R

The Journey Filled with (Content) Solitude

So today officially marks one week of post-secondary. One week since I first started my journey in university, with hundreds more to follow. Obviously it would be really strange of me to celebrate every week, but indulge me for a bit.

Folks, this is a big step in my life!!

For myself and many others in my graduating class, June was the last time we were all together. We would see each other from a daily basis, and though we maybe were not as close to some as we were to others, we were still connected by a bond of unity. We had a common thread running through all of us. And true, many of us hung out over the summer, reminiscing about the past and assuring each other that the future would be okay. A lot of us made promises this time last year that have been broken, either by life or by ourselves.

I said good bye to a lot of people over the summer, see you soon to some, and see you tomorrow to very few. I also said good bye to the old life that I had - the one that I had found comfort and content in for the past thirteen years of my life. I said good bye to familiar territory and familiar faces, only to walk into what is affectionately called by my elders as "the real world".

As I walked through crowds of people, I tried to find a space. I tried to find a space that I would call my own for a temporary amount of time, sandwiched in between strangers. Everyone seemed to move so fast. The professors talked so fast. Time flew so fast, and suddenly, I was back at home.

I told many, and I will share with you all, that I had woken up last Wednesday morning in a panic. I could not find my kilt in my closet, and I was running super late. It was not until I saw the mess of textbooks on my desk (the very expensive and definitely not free textbooks) and my term-at-a-glance calendar on my dry erase board that I realized that I was not in high school anymore.

In university, people move very fast. Everyone walks with their head down, with steps faster than my high school steps. There are people that walk in groups, with people they call their friends. They laugh and seem to be having a good time. And then I think about high school and how easy it was to fall into sync with my best friends. I wonder where my friends are at that precise moment - whether or not they are able to keep up with the flow of university traffic. Whether or not they are able to find friends to laugh with. Whether or not they feel the same solitude that I feel.

And okay, maybe I am being melodramatic and over thinking everything the way I usually do. But today, one week into my journey, I woke up with a new feeling inside of me. It might have been slight insanity from the fact that I was waking up way too early to meet my 8:30 class (and at this point, I was questioning why I even enrolled for an 8:30 class to begin with!)

And as I walked outside, with my mom calling out behind me to have a good day, I was honestly skeptical once again about how true that would be. But as I walked over the dewy ground, one foot stepping in front of the other, I was greeted by the sun shining through the clouds. It was not a spectacular sunrise, but something about it calmed me. For a while (and allow me to be poetic for a minute - after all, I am an English student), I was able to relate to the sun. I was the sun, trying to find my way from behind the clouds that is this new life of mine. I am trying to find my own way, my own time to shine.

Once 3 o'clock rolled around, the sun shined brilliantly.

I found the pace of today different from the rest. I am beginning to make new friends (so I guess I am not a total loser) and I started to get even more into what I was learning. I am finally getting into the swing of things.

"And though your beginning was small, your latter days will be very great." - Job 8:7

I hope that everyone is reaching a steady rhythm within themselves and finding their flow in their new experiences. Remember your roots and go boldly into the future! Embrace the new, learn from the past, and spill more ink while you do.

x R 

#OOTD

As many know, I graduated from Holy Cross and Our Lady of Good Counsel. I was in the Catholic school system for 13 years. Throughout those years, one thing I did not have to worry about was what to wear. Thankfully we had uniforms that kept everyone consistent and cut out the stress of wearing the latest fashions from my life. I only had to really tear my hair out when we had jeans days in high school.

But now, I am in university. I had no uniform (though my dad would joke and say that I could wear my kilt if I wanted to). There was no uniformity. You could wear whatever you wanted.

This made me excited (shopping!) but also nervous. On the second day of school (my first day off, and what used to be my first day of high school), I woke up at 8:30, rifling through my closet. I was panicking because I could not find my kilt, until I realized that I was no longer in high school anymore.

My observations as I went from class to class, from one hallway to the next, is that there is a great array of what people wear to school. The pleasant realization? There were many people dressed like myself! 

The very first day of school brought heavy, heavy rain. Unfortunately, fashion had to be sacrificed for practicality and I had to ditch all the plans and outfits that I had dreamed about wearing for my first day. Instead of skirts, I had to resort to jeans. Forget the cute tops, I was rocking a hoodie all day.

Today's weather was a lot better, but I still kept the jeans.

A few questions and realizations after these two days:

1) In a lecture hall (especially in one with nearly 200 people in it), people really cannot see what you are wearing. Especially when you are sitting down for the entire lecture and short (like me).

2) Did I really care that much about what I wore during high school?

3) Do I still care about what I wear?

4) The uniform of university is as such - jean, some kind of shirt, and a sweater of some kind. The sweater, of course, is optional, depending on the weather.

5) How long do some girls spend trying to figure out what to wear?

6) One of these days I will wear sweats or something. One of these days.

I think that I will always care, to some extent, about how I look. They say that what you wear reflects on your character and can help to lift your mood. Though I will never be like those girls that wear 2 inch heels to class, I suppose I could stand dressing up a bit from time to time.

The point is, in the end, school is a place to learn. In retrospect, I think spent a lot of sleepless nights creating and recreating outfits for high school jeans days that would impress other people. I never really dressed for myself, and I would find myself in items that I felt uncomfortable in.

Clothing, like many other things, is a form of expression. I am beginning to learn now that it should never rule your personality - it should compliment it. Let your personality shine through the words you say, the actions you do, and your smile.

So shop for things that compliment you instead of just covering you (though covering you is a good idea too)! Be confident in who you are and never underestimate the power of a simple 'hello' or friendly smile, and keep spilling ink while you do. I hope everyone's school year is starting off well!

Throwback to the times when I wore my outfit of the year - my uniform. Maybe it will make an appearance at Halloween... #throwbackthursday

x R